Carlos Henrique Raposo, known as Carlos Kaiser, spent 14 years as a professional footballer while avoiding almost any actual football. Born in Porto Alegre, Brazil in 1963, he had real youth spells at Botafogo and Flamengo and signed with the Mexican club Puebla in 1979, only to be released months later without a match. He loved the status and hated the work, so he turned the job into networking, befriending stars such as Carlos Alberto Torres and Renato Gaucho, whose word was enough to get him signed.

His method was consistent. He took short contracts, claimed he lacked match fitness, then faked a muscle injury that 1980s medicine could not disprove. A dentist supplied paperwork, friendly journalists printed invented triumphs, and a toy mobile phone let him pretend to turn down transfer offers. This episode follows the con from club to club, including the day a furious patron ordered him onto the pitch, and asks why teammates who knew the truth liked him and wanted him around.

• The nickname may honor Franz Beckenbauer, though friends say it came from his resemblance to a stubby bottle of Kaiser beer.
• At Botafogo a club doctor fluent in English realized his loud phone calls were gibberish. At Fluminense an assistant coach found the phone was hollow plastic.
• He borrowed the record of Argentine player Carlos Enrique, winner of the 1984 Copa Libertadores with Independiente, and presented those trophies as his own.
• Ordered to play for Bangu while the team trailed 2-0, he climbed a fence, fought his own supporters, and was sent off before crossing the touchline.
• He then told patron Castor de Andrade that the fans had called Andrade a thief, and walked away with a six-month contract extension.