The bravest thing I’ve ever done when no one was watching was eat the last slice of pizza knowing full well it was the slice my roommate had been saving. That was cowardice. Let me try again.

The real answer is smaller and dumber. Three winters ago I found a spider in the bathtub the size of a hubcap, and I was home alone with no witnesses, no applause, and no plausible way to leave the apartment forever. I stood there for a solid four minutes negotiating with it. Then I got a glass, a magazine, and a level of focus I have never once brought to my taxes, and I walked it to the balcony like a tiny hairy bouncer escorting a guest who had overstayed.

Nobody saw. No one ever will, because I’m not telling anyone, except right now, on the internet. Bravery without witnesses is just you finding out who you are when the spider is the only one taking notes.