My screen time report says Safari, which is technically true and spiritually a lie. Safari is not an app, it’s a hallway. The real culprit is whatever waits at the end of it, and lately that’s Wikipedia. I open my phone to check the weather and forty minutes later I’m reading about the Great Emu War of 1932, an actual military conflict that Australia lost to birds.

Do I feel bad? I’ve considered it, and no. Everyone else’s guilty app shows them people who are richer and better lit than they are. Mine shows me lighthouse keepers, disputed islands, and at least one octopus with a criminal record. If an algorithm is going to eat my evenings either way, I’d rather it serve the emu war.

So no, no guilt here. My screen time isn’t wasted. It’s an unaccredited liberal arts degree, billed by the minute, and the tuition feels more than fair.