Everyone rushes to name Gandalf or Sherlock, and I get it, but think about the actual dinner. Sherlock will deduce your cholesterol from your cufflinks and eat nothing. Gandalf shows up late, speaks in riddles, and leaves before dessert on urgent wizard business. No thank you.

I’m inviting Samwise Gamgee. First, the man can cook. He hauled pans across Mordor and still had opinions about seasoning potatoes. Second, he’s the only fictional character guaranteed to be a good guest: he’ll compliment the food, help with the dishes, and tell you the story of the entire War of the Ring from the point of view of the catering department.

And when the night winds down, he won’t vanish dramatically into the shadows. He’ll just say something quietly devastating about hope and gardens, and I’ll be a wreck over the crumble. Some heroes carry the ring. Mine brings the potatoes.