The weirdest movie I ever watched was a low-budget thriller I started at 1 a.m. on a stranger’s recommendation, and I still cannot tell you if it was a masterpiece or a hostage video. There was a man who communicated only through interpretive dance, a talking lamp with a gambling problem, and a plot that quit around minute forty and let the vibes drive. I watched the whole thing. That is the weird part. At no point did I stop it. I stayed because I needed to know if anyone, ever, would explain the lamp.

Nobody did. The credits rolled over what I believe was a goat in a tuxedo, and the silence in my living room felt like a group therapy session. I texted the friend who recommended it and she replied, “Right?” with no further context, which is how I know she is not okay either.

Weird movies are a test of loyalty. I passed. The lamp still owes me money.